Holiday Seasons

I love the holidays. The time between Halloween and Christmas is my favorite time of year. Some of my most fond childhood memories are from Christmas. Coming down the stairs on Christmas morning, seeing the lights twinkling in the tree, the stockings meticulously stuffed and all the gifts just waiting, having all the family around, and all the traditions built over the years.

I very much looked forward to sharing my holiday cheer with Miller. Awaiting that joy of Christmas morning with him, making cookies, visiting Santa...however, none of those things are happening. Miller has no idea what is going on. It's just another day, another month. He has noticed the Christmas lights, but to him, they are just flashing bulbs. I'm trying not to let all this get me down, but it's hard watching all the other children's excitement. Maybe things will click next year, but you never know.

Happiness Is...

Last year I wrote about all the things that I am thankful for.

This year is no different. So many amazing and wonderful things have happened and Miller has grown into a sweet, gentle, smart little boy.

Just in the last few weeks Miller has learned the sign for "eat/hungry" and "please". And last week he put together his first signed sentence: "More food, please."

This year I thought I would share some of my "Happiness Is..."! My collection of favorite things about Miller.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happiness Is...

Miller's vast collection of artwork from school, most recently a hand print turkey

Miller trying to "sing" along with the Spongebob theme song

The way he runs over for a hug whenever and wherever

High Fives

The "lala, dada, baba, and mamas" he has been working on saying

His first word "baby" He tried so hard to copy me saying it, and it finally came out!

His smile

Watching Miller and Terry play together

Cuddles

Miller's excitement when he sees me

When he just wants to sit and hold your hand while watching a movie

Playing games that he has made up

Jumping at the inflatable gym, one of Miller's favorite places

Swimming at the beach and making seaweed monsters

Splashing in puddles with the tip of his foot

Throwing rocks/pine cones/balls into bushes and chasing after them

His contentment at being himself

Watching him ride the school bus all by himself

Picking out his favorite movies

Watching him actually sit down and look through a book

When he does something bad, but he's so darn cute doing it, that I can't be mad, like when he

took apart an entire roll of paper towels, or pulled off an entire roll of toilet paper

And many, many more....

I LOVE MY KIDDO!

Happiness Is...

Last year I wrote about all the things
I am thankful for.

This year is no different. So many amazing, wonderful things have happened and Miller has grown into a sweet, gentle, smart little boy.

Just in the last few weeks Miller has learned the sign for "eat/hungry" and "please". And last week he put together his first signed sentence: "More food, please."

This year I thought I would share some of my "Happiness Is..."! My collection of favorite things about Miller.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happiness Is...

Miller's vast collection of artwork from school, most recently a hand print turkey

Miller trying to "sing" along with the Spongebob theme song

The way he runs over for a hug whenever and wherever

High Fives

The "lala, dada, baba, and mamas" he has been working on saying

His first word "baby" He tried so hard to copy me saying it, and it finally came out!

His smile

Watching Miller and Terry play together

Cuddles

Miller's excitement when he sees me

When he just wants to sit and hold your hand while watching a movie

Playing games that he has made up

Jumping at the inflatable gym, one of Miller's favorite places

Swimming at the beach and making seaweed monsters

Splashing in puddles with the tip of his foot

Throwing rocks/pine cones/balls into bushes and chasing after them

His contentment at being himself

Watching him ride the school bus all by himself

Picking out his favorite movies

Watching him actually sit down and look through a book

When he does something bad, but he's so darn cute doing it, that I can't be mad, like when he took apart an entire roll of paper towels, or pulled off an entire roll of toilet paper

And many, many more....

I LOVE MY KIDDO!

Words of Wisdom

Well, summer is over and Miller has gone back for his second preschool-school year! He loves school and gets so excited to ride the bus to and from school, and I'm excited for some new Miller art projects!

I got the opportunity to go to our local state fair a few weeks ago and stopped by the Persons With Developmental Diabilities table. I had a chance to talk with another mom, whose son is quite a bit older than Miller, but has autism as a symptom of another genetic disorder. For the first time I felt a genuine connection with another parent. Unfortunately, she works in another county, but we had a great conversation and talked about raising our boys and the difficulty in finding adequate parent support groups. By the end of the conversation I felt a little less alone and she left me thinking about some wonderful words of wisdom. We all go through some type of grieving when we find out about a child's disability. It's something that you never recover from, and that's ok. It's ok to grieve, and the grieving never goes away, but it does get easier with time.

Learning To Swim

It has been an exciting and busy summer for us so far! It seems like Miller just started summer school and now he's on his last week before his second summer vacation! He has been doing so good riding the bus to and from school everyday, and bring home lots of beautiful art. We have also been attending many fairs and festivals! Going to the FolkLife festival last month and then tomorrow at the Bellevue Arts Fair.

Miller has also been taking advantage of our complex pool! He has been doing cannon balls off the side and learning to swim! He was able to swim on his own for almost 30 seconds today, that doesn't seem like much now, but give him a few more weeks...

It also made me think while Terry and I were loading Miller on the bus this morning. It was one of those days where Miller didn't really want to go on the bus and was crying and the driver was telling us how he settles down right after they drive away. She also said that many of the parents pull their kids off the bus when their children cry and the day is done, thus enforcing a positive reward for a negative behavior. It's sad having your 3-year-old cry, but the driver gave us a "thumbs up" as she drove away.

As with learning to swim; sometimes you just have to let go.

The Genome Update

Last October, Terry, Miller and I went to Children's Hospital to have blood drawn for a research project http://millersjourneys.blogspot.com/2010/10/lawn-gnome-no-genome.html and just got our results in! Neither Terry, nor I carry the genome they were looking for and even more surprising is that Miller doesn't carry it either. What that means is that Miller's autism is an isolated case within out genetic makeup. Very interesting, relieving and reassuring to all involved.

Undesirable

I think as a parent, we refuse to acknowledge certian traits, or are even afraid of traits that we find undesirable in our children. All of Miller's autistic traits I have accepted and learned to live with as normal behavior. However, tonight I looked up from my TV show to see that Miller had neatly piled all his toys in the center of the room. Not a normal thing for him. He is more of the toss and throw type. The items were placed so quietly and meticulously, I didn't even realize he was doing it. I was a bit frightened, which sounds bad, but if you know Miller, he likes to have his presence known. This new action is also a symptom of a more severe autism spectrum. So I am also frightened that he is getting worse. Maybe I'm just jumping to conclusions, but there is always fear. Only time will tell.

The Communication Gap

My best friend's little brother got married last week and I was fortunate to be invited to the reception. It was so nice to see some old friends, and see my best friend, who I haven't seen in over a year. She has a little boy just 3 months older than Miller. I had a lovely time talking to him and playing a "finding game". I discovered that I have no idea how to talk to a 3-year-old. However, I still couldn't shake that sneaky, guilty-envy that I have. I want to have conversations with Miller. I want to know what he thinks about the world, his family, school. After the envy passes, I am overwhelmed with guilt. How could I think poorly of my perfect little boy?

I constantly tell people that Miller has his own way of communicating, and I guess I really didn't realize it fully myself until tonight.

I talk to Miller all the time, not because I expect an answer, but because I know he understands everything I say. He answered me tonight, but not in a verbal way. I asked him if he was ready for his nighttime milk and he just made the sign for more, and at that second it all just clicked. Like any 3-year-old would say yes verbally, Miller said yes with a sign. It may not seem like a big thing, but when you think about the fact that he understands everything we say...I wonder what the barrier looks like in his mind that blocks that communication function. Are all the processes there, just redirected to a different location? I may never have a verbal answer from Miller, but I can rest assured that he knows what's going on. That's all I can ask for right now.

Working Girl's World

A lot of people ask me why I work when I have a special needs child at home. Both Terry and I work full time and have carefully juggled our work schedules with Miller's school schedule and doing our best to minimize child care.

FACT: It costs on average $200,000 to raise a developmentally normal child to age 18.

FACT: It costs on average $3.2 MILLION to raise a child with autism to age 18.

I wish I had the option not to work, but unfortunately, living is expensive, especially in Washington where tuition for preschool can run you $20,000. Luckily, the school district we are in provides a nice special education program.

Star Student

Thursdays are one of my favorite days. Not only is Miller in school all day, but it's both my and Terry's day off. It's one the very few times we get to connect during the week and just talk.

Today over breakfast, I had concerns that Miller wasn't being challanged enough. I know he is so bright and I really just want him to reach his full potential. All this stemmed from me joining a new social networking group for parents of kids and adults with autism and aspergers syndrome. I looked at several profiles and found one about a mom who's daughter was diagnosed at about the same age as Miller and had more severe symptoms. They enrolled in ABA therapy 30 hours a week and within a year, saw amazing results. The child is now 11 and in the 4th grade at a regular public school. I had a total melt down. I want this for Miller. But after doing much research, ABA therapy is just out of our financial reach (running upwards of $1,500 a month!). There are grants to apply for, and classes and videos to learn from, and that will have to suffice. So, while I was telling Terry all this, he did his best to reassure me about Miller's current education. Miller has made so many baby steps since he started at his new school. I guess I got caught up in the future.

Later in the day, Terry and I picked up Miller from school and upon emptying his backpack, found a little award Miller had been given. It read: "Star Student! Miller played chase with a friend!". It named the place and date, and was signed buy his teacher. Miller's first documented interaction with a peer! How awesome! We are so proud of him.

Been Too Long

It's been a while since I've posted which is both a good thing and a bad thing. A good thing that not too much has happened, and a bad thing that not too much has happened. Sometimes you get lost in the instant gratification and forget to look at the big picture. But we just keep plugging along and things will fall into place.

One of my dear friends, who's blog I follow, recently decided to discontinue writing. I'm going to miss reading her stories, but it also tells me that life moves on. Wounds heal and new hope is found. Of course there will always be difficult times, but I am trying to move forward and do what's best for Miller.

Miller started public preschool a few weeks ago and things are going good. He's making wonderful progress in his 2 classes and I couldn't ask for anything more.

I can't believe it's been a year since that fateful doctor's checkup. Miller has come so far; just last night he was whining for something, which is not uncommon nor descriptive, so on a whim I found pictures of both his sippy cup and his favorite meal: macaroni and cheese. When I showed him the two pictures, he immediately pointed to the sippy cup. His communication has improved greatly. Miller has learned to adapt and communicate in his own way. He's not just letting the world go by and that's a great sign for me. He wants to learn, but in his own Miller way.