Just keep waiting, waiting, waiting...

The last two weeks have had their share of ups and downs, but things are moving forward.

Miller is getting used to going to school 4 days a week and has been making progress in all areas.

Last week we had our much anticipated appointment at Seattle Children's Autism Clinic. Turns out it wasn't the testing appointment, but a qualifying interview for Miller to make sure that he would benefit from services. He passed, so back on another waiting list (at least this one is only 2-3 months!) to receive his ADOS exam. In the ADOS (Autism Diagnostic Observation Schedule), a doctor and child psychologist assess Miller's strengths and weaknesses in communication, social interaction and imaginative use of materials through play. Children's Clinic will also be our "middle man" when we are done with Kindering. Now to wait for another phone call.

Something that keeps popping up in conversation when I'm talking to other parents and Miller's educators is routines and schedules. This opens up a whole new can of worms for me. Growing up, I never had a real routine or schedule and things were done by the "seat of our pants." As a parents, Terry and I really don't have a schedule for Miller as both of us work full time, and things could change at any minute. However, we are starting to see the benefits of a small bit of structure. This last week, I worked on getting a "bedtime routine" going for Miller, because that seems to be a difficult point for us. Difficult in the fact that Miller is a night owl like Terry and myself. This was never really an issue before Miller started going to school, and even now we have worked around it somehow. By the end of the week, I had Miller going to bed at 9:30pm every night! I took some time to pay attention to his natural sleepy cues before I bombarded him with demands. I noticed that if he eats dinner, plays a little, takes a bath, has some warm milk, and we turn out the light, he will be asleep in less than 10 minutes. I was so proud of myself for sticking to this plan and following through. I had attempted bedtime before, but it always ended up in crying. Miller seems to enjoy a nice, full night's sleep as well!

Closing a Chapter

This has been an overwhelming week. But, we survived the first week of "preschool", and all seems to be going well. Miller now goes to parent/teacher co-op class on Mondays, "Cubs" preschool on Tuesdays and Thursdays and alternates Fridays with speech pathology with occupational therapy and cognitive in-home therapies. Whew! We are busy this school year, but it's nice that Miller was able to receive so much help. In February, we will integrate into either the Bellevue School District or the Lake Washington School District for his future schooling.

On Monday, I received a call that we had been waiting for. When Miller was first suspected of having Autism, our doctor referred us to the Children's Autism Clinic in Seattle. I called and put Miller's name on a waiting list. The wait to have a evaluation diagnosis: 9 to 12 MONTHS. Finally we were able to schedule an appointment for next Tuesday. We've been through a lot in the last few months, but this feels like the closing of a chapter. Finally we will have all the real answers, not just speculations. I'm nervous. I know what's going to happen, but it still feels weird. Like I'm still looking at my life through a window, or watching the story in a movie. Finalizing, but not ending. Moving forward.

To Love And To Cherish

A big part of our "Promoting First Relationships" was relearning how to cherish Miller. What does it mean to cherish your child? Unconditional love? It means to accept Miller the way he is. All of us have the ability you look past the quirks in the ones we love, but we often forget that that also applies to our children. When we form relationships we automatically accept certain personality traits that are different from ours, however we seek perfection with our children.

We spent a lot of time with our teachers about what it means to accept Miller for who he is. Push past his autism, and see him for the wonderful, sweet, loving little boy that he is. I so often forget that this is who Miller is. I spend too much time focusing on things that aren't really all that important, but I focus on them because I think that that is what I should be doing. Once I was taught that those things are really not that big of a deal, I was able to see past them.

In a way, we had to reteach ourselves. Look at Miller again with new eyes. We needed to see how he was letting us into his world, even if only for a second. Through Miller's play, and the video taping that was done as part of our sessions, I was able to see all the ways that Miller lets us into his world. How he engages us, and responds to our suggestions. After learning that, I was able to enjoy Miller if different ways. I focused on his cues, and even though he doesn't have the "typical" play style of other children his age, we still make up games, imagine fantasies and enjoy each other just a little more. I encourage other parents to really take a step back and think about what they cherish about their children. And then cherish them every single day.

And on We Go...

It's been a while since I've posted. I think I've been avoiding posting because the familiarities are over and I have to really think about how I'm feeling. It's easy for me to post about things that have happened in the past. I have had time to process and reflect on those feelings. Now it's all raw and fresh, I guess I have to learn how to deal with these feelings.

It's been a great summer. We have just finished our "Promoting First Relationships" 10 week program through the University of Washington's Autism Center. The program was enlightening for all of us. It really gave a different perspective to us about how we parent, and I think we better understand Miller and his behaviors.

I have been dealing with some heavy feelings lately. Mostly envy of other parents. I really hate seeing parents take for granted all the wonderful little things that their child does. Talking, interacting, using imagination, etc. I don't get to experience any of these things with Miller. And I think that has been really hard on me lately, especially as Miller is about to enter preschool. We are getting to the point when I can really start to see all the other kids pass Miller by, and it hurts. I want to get into Miller's world, and I can't. I just have to be there for when he's ready to let me in.

Another big issue for me has been my need to feel understood. So many people come to me with suggestions, which I don't mind, it's when you think you know what's best for my baby. Or you treat us like we have the plague. Don't worry, you're child is not going to catch Miller's autism. I think it also has a lot to do with the area that we live in. This area is very affluent and we are by no means "living large". We are often times made to feel like we don't belong. This is a tough one because Miller doesn't pick up that feeling. It's a lot of glares, stares and whispering. Also parents try to tell me that they know what I'm going through. They don't. I don't mean to sound mean or rude about it, but they don't know what it's like to have a child with special needs unless they have one.

Well, moving onto something more uplifting, Miller has started to use small signs for his basic needs. We have been working on "more" and "hungry". When his preschool and therapies pick back up, we'll be able to work on these with more consistency. I'm really looking forward to preschool. Miller will be going for 4 hours each week, split up over two days. And this is not a co-op, so we'll be leaving Miller at school! That will be a huge change for all of us! When Miller turns 3 in February, we will go into the local school district.

Fun times to come and I will do my best to keep posting!